Thursday, March 25, 2010

62.) Wake Up Tonight

I hope that you guys don't mind posts that are less frequent, but longer. This is actually kind of like a two-in-one deal; I had to break it up because it's so long. There was just so much to get through in this particular post. I hope you are all still enjoying this. Y'all are awesome ladies.

Soundtrack Song - Smashing Pumpkins, Tonight, Tonight

I shoved my notebook into my backpack as I headed for the door of the classroom, flipping through my returned exam to see what I had missed. Eighty-nine percent wasn’t bad, I suppose, but I had really thought that I’d nailed this sucker. After all, this was going to be my field—I should be able to get an A on a fucking Physics I test.

The formulas were right, the theory was correct, but my math was wrong. One twenty-five divided by twenty-five was five, not six. Leave it to me to screw up simple division. My professor had even taken the time to write that I needed to be more careful with my math, that there was no reason I shouldn’t have aced this. Just another thing that was going wrong for me today: first I slept in because I had barely slept the night before, then I couldn’t get a nearby parking spot so I had to walk what felt like five frickin’ miles to class, which made me late so I interrupted the lecture and looked like a total douche in front of a roomful of people, and then a mere B on my exam which I was sure I killed.

Grunting with frustration, I slung my backpack around to my front to slip the exam in the section with my books as I made my way through the hall and toward the exit. I was watching what I was doing with the test in my hand and not looking where I was going—and definitely not paying attention to whatever else I was doing. I hip-checked the bar on the door to open it; the door hit the wall with a thud and quickly rebounded, catching the strap of my bag. But I of course didn’t notice, so I kept walking. It was like I was yanked backward at full force, and I fell right on my back like the floor was pulled out from under me.

“Oh, fuck,” I groaned, admiring my great view of the ceiling. Seriously, what else wanted to go wrong today?

“You okay? That was a pretty nasty spill.”

“Ugh, yeah, I’m fine. Just got attacked by the stupid door,” I mumbled to the sickeningly polite stranger, ignoring his proffered hand and pushing myself off the floor. I guess I shouldn’t have been so rude to him, but the fact that he came over to check on me, sprawled on my ass on the floor, served to highlight the drama of my fall. It was the cherry on my sundae of my sucky day. “Not like this is a life-or-death situation here.”

“Sorry, I’m a first responder. It’s a habit.” He smiled at me, a lively sparkle in his eyes. They looked familiar. “Do I know you?”

It took me a few seconds to remember his name. “Dave.”

“Yeah. So, I do know you?”

“Well, not really. It’s just, um, I was in a motorcycle accident a few months ago....”

“I remember you. Shit, I forget your name, but I totally remember. You look different, so I didn’t recognize you. I went back to the hospital when my shift ended, but they told me that you had already checked out.”

“You came back?” I asked in disbelief. I picked up my bag to throw it over my shoulder again, only to have the bottom fall out. “Fuck! I must have ripped my backpack when it snagged.”

Dave bent down to scoop up my books for me. “I’ve never seen someone get into a fight with a door before.”

“Yeah,” I scoffed. “And the door won.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” he chuckled, setting the books in my arms, “it’s a pretty big door.”

I snorted. “Not really finding any consolation in that. But, uh, thanks for helping with my books.” Then I started for the door, ready to dump my books into my car and go home and crawl into bed for the rest of the day.

He followed me, just a step or two behind. “Not a problem,” he answered. “And yeah, I came back. I always like to check in on my favorite patients. I’ve never seen anyone keep their sense of humor after an accident like that. And then the whole jacket thing, so yeah, you really kinda stuck out.”

I bit the inside of my cheek as I headed out into the cool February air. James’s jacket was still a contentious, sore subject for me. I had come to terms with a lot of things over the past couple of months, but I still resented that the doctors had cut off the jacket without my permission. And now it was stitched back together, since Tubby’s Christmas present to me was to get it “fixed,” but it wasn’t fixed at all. It was currently tucked away in a dark corner of Kris’s closet, a bitter reminder of everything I’d lost and screwed up. “Well, I’m glad I could be so memorable,” I mumbled, juggling my books so I could fish my keys out of my pocket.

“So, I guess I’ll see you around campus sometime? It’s my last semester. I’m pre-med,” he explained. I nodded, wanting to be polite. He had, after all, come to my rescue. Sure, maybe it was his job, but he had been nice about it even when I had been difficult. Dave began taking a few backward steps away from me, presumably toward his own car. “I’m glad you’re okay. Jo,” he added, the light bulb flashing on over his head as he finally remembered my name.

Once again I nodded at him, saying a wordless goodbye. I dumped my shit into my car and drove home, taking a long detour to pass by my old house. It was something that I had to do, even if it was irrational. I was so terrified that the house would go up in flames: it haunted my waking thoughts and my dreams, which often was what kept me up at night. I didn’t have to stop the car; I only had to drive by and make sure it was still there, standing firm, before I could finish the journey to my new home, to Kris.

Living together with him had been quite an adjustment. It’s one thing to occasionally spend time at each other’s place or stay over a night or two during the week—but full-on living with another person, every day, in such a small and confined space like an apartment is a whole nother ball of wax. His apartment, which had seemed so big for just him and bare without many personal effects, was now small and cramped with both of us staying there and me intruding in on his space and time.

Not to mention, he didn’t deserve what I was doing to him. I know that Kris just wanted to help me. There was something he said to me when we were in James’s room, about how Luc would have wanted it. I wasn’t sure if that were true, because I didn’t know Luc; but I did know Kris. And if Kris believed that Luc would have wanted it, then I knew that that meant that Kris had to do it. It was just like how I did certain things because I thought James would like it or approve. And because obliging meant making Kris happy, I was more than willing to oblige.

I didn’t tell Kris this, but it wasn’t Luc helping at all; it was Kris’s feeling like what he went through with Luc’s death that was helping. He was putting his experience to good use, and that made him feel like he went through it for a reason—when in reality, he had a reason to use his experience. There was a difference. I decided not to tell him that, though. Not when he found solace in that theory. His “cause and effect” rationale was skewed. If Luc hadn’t’ve died, he wouldn’t have the experience or the need to help out someone who had gone through something similar. Just like if James wouldn’t’ve died, he never would have needed to approach me and offer help. He and I wouldn’t have the common thread of death to knot us together.

It didn’t seem fair that I had to go through something so devastating in order to meet someone who made me so completely happy, and I know that it wasn’t fair that Kris had to lose Luc. If I had the ability to change the past, I would have saved Luc and thereby saved Kris from that brand of pain—even though that meant that he wouldn’t have the experience or the need to accost me way back when. Because I wanted what was best for him more than for myself.

Which was why I was trying so hard to be the kind of person he was worthy of; I wanted to be strong and whole for him, because he deserved a girlfriend who could take care of herself and not rely so much on him for everything. It was a tough line to walk. How could I firmly stand on my own two feet without pushing him away? How could I learn to lean on him without fully needing him for his support?

This whole tango with Kris was difficult and frustrating, because as we danced we trampled on each other’s feet. I had to trust him to lead me in the right direction, but I couldn’t depend on him for all the answers—because I had to figure some things out for myself. I couldn’t just adopt his philosophy; I needed to discover and forge my own. And, likewise, Kris had to trust that I would follow the path he laid out for me without grabbing my hand and pulling me behind him.

He was so good about it all, patient, caring, and helpful. I would have been lost without him, and it sucked that his helping me also meant bringing the frustration of putting up with me on himself. Kris certainly didn’t need the added task of being there for me when I cried so hard that I made myself throw up. Or the mood swings, when I’d yell at him one minute and pounce on him and drag him to bed the next. Not that he necessarily minded the latter. But Kris didn’t deserve to be woken up on a nightly basis when I woke up from the horrific dreams that started after leaving home.

The nightmares were always the same: they started out like happy, fun times with James. Sometimes they were actual memories, like when we’d be outside playing street hockey and he was taking shots on me in net. And then the chronology would get all messed up and James would talk about Kris. It was always some tiny little statement that would catch me off guard, like “Ask Tanger when he gets back from his game against Washington.” And then suddenly, he’d be gone, disappearing somewhere in our house, and then the place would be engulfed in flames. I’d try to run after him to warn or save him, even though it meant I was risking a lot and endangering myself. Then Kristopher Letang would rush in his firefighter costume and whisk me away to safety—or more like pull me away kicking and screaming, because James’s fate was sealed and there was nothing either of us could do to change it.

And when I was jolted awake from that nightmare, Kris was always there, holding me and trying to calm me down. The dreams always felt so real, so overwhelmingly and horrifically real, and it would take a good portion of the night for me to settle down enough to try and sleep again. It wasn’t every night that it would happen, but it was often enough that it made me afraid to sleep, especially on the nights when Kris was away on a road trip.

I hated this: I hated being so dependent on him when he was trying to make me stronger, and I hated most of all doing this to him. It was wearing on him, too, I could tell—he didn’t want to show me, but it had to be frustrating to him. No way one person, even someone with the unyielding patience of Kris Letang, could not have a breaking point while dealing with this stuff. But I also knew that I couldn’t possibly do it without him. So I silently but consciously promised myself that I would get better, for him, so he could reap the rewards of his hard work and I could be everything he’d possibly need.

And in the meantime, I would have done anything for him. I would have eviscerated myself to give him a kidney, if he needed one. I would have built and launched a rocket to the heavens to pull down a star, if he asked for just that. I mean anything. He was my light at the end of the tunnel, my carrot, and part of me selfishly wanted him to need me, too. Be a part of him as much as he was a part of me. I wanted to reciprocate so badly, and yet, I didn’t know how or if I even could.

I wanted to be there for him, in any capacity he needed me to be. I wanted to be with him to help him, just like he had been there and was currently being there for me. It’s not that Kris thought he was better than me and therefore didn’t want to take anything from me; it was simply that I had nothing to offer him. He didn’t need me that way. Kris was strong and tough and put together, and even though I was sure he didn’t mean to, the fact that he didn’t need me made me feel useless and worthless. I couldn’t plug up his holes, because he had no holes. I was Swiss cheese, and he was a solid block of cheddar. Even as Luc’s birthday loomed in the near future, he was calm and cool as cucumber.

When I got home, I dropped all my books on the coffee table and tossed my useless backpack in the corner. Kris was watching TV on the couch, not really paying a whole lot of attention to me as I moved next to him. I sat beside him but fell onto my side, settling my torso in his lap as I curled into a ball.

“Hey. Bad day?” he asked softly, his hand automatically reaching under my shirt to soothingly rub circles along my spine.

I mumbled in the affirmative and then closed my eyes. Not only was I exhausted and sleep-deprived, but Kris’s even, melodic voice, the steady, constant pressure of his massaging hand, and the warmness of his body seeping into mine had a soporific effect on me. His other hand let go of the remote and brushed the hair off of my face, and that was it: I was done for, fast asleep in seconds.



Soundtrack Song - Arcade Fire, Wake Up

“Stop being so fuckin’ retarded,” he laughs, pushing my arm and making me fall to my side in the cool grass. But like a Weeble, I wobble and regain my upright posture, giving him a shove back with my momentum.

“I’m not a retard. There’s nothing wrong with wishing on a shooting star, it’s just a silly little thing. But you’re no better.... You made a wish on your birthday candles. And you wish on pucks! ‘If I make this shot, Alyssa Fulton will ask me out.’ Now that’s lame,” I mock him.

“Fine, if it’s so silly, then tell me what you wished for.” He looks at me with a cocky eyebrow raised. “If you don’t believe it, you’ll have no problem telling me.”

“No, it’s stupid....”

“You don’t wanna tell me, because you’re afraid to jinx it!”

“Ugh,” I moan, pulling my knees to my chest and ripping out a handful of grass. I let go of the blades and let them flutter away in the gentle breeze before I offer my secret knowledge with a quick breath, hoping that he won’t hear it and so therefore he won’t make fun of me. “You’re gonna think it’s stupid, but I wished that I’d get my acceptance letter to CMU.”

“That is fuckin’ stupid. Like, duh, of course you’re getting in.” He lowers his voice for a second to be serious as he firmly states, “You’re brilliant, Jo-Jo. They’ll be lucky to have you as a student.” And just as quickly as he had switched modes, he’s back to his joking self. “So stop being so fuckin’ retarded!”

I close my hand into a fist and punch him. Either it truly doesn’t hurt him or he masks the sting. “You’re so dumb. How can I be brilliant and retarded at the same time?”

He laughs and pushes off the grass in our backyard to stand and stretch. “Because you’re the smartest girl I know. You got all the brains, and I got all the dashing good looks.” He poses and smiles. In a cartoon, this is where his teeth would sparkle. “And as smart as you are, sometimes, you miss the most obvious things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, let’s see... it starts with a ‘K’ and ends with a ‘ristopher,’” he laughs. I want to ask him what he meant by that, but he trots away from me and into the house.

The sinking feeling begins to set in. My heart starts to race while simultaneously making my chest feel empty. It’s like I’m floating in thin air, because my body can’t feel the surroundings anymore. Like gravity shuts off completely. I know what’s coming, and I’m powerless to stop it. I start to scream, “No, no, no. James, don’t go! Come back!”

He disappears into the house, not listening to me, so I rush after him. I’ve gotta save him; he doesn’t know. He didn’t see the smoke billowing out of the windows and the flames licking the white siding of the house. There’s no way he’d so nonchalantly put himself in danger. I’ve gotta save him, so I run onto the deck to find him before it’s too late.

But I don’t even make it through the back door before Kris is there, wrapping his arms around me in a fierce hug as he guides me off the back porch and into the yard. I claw at him desperately to break free, fighting against the stiff, yellow fabric of his coat as I try to get out of his hold. He’s too strong for me to get loose. “No, Kris. Let me go! I have to go get him! He doesn’t know it’s on fire!” The grass is littered with other firefighters, but no one’s dousing the flames or donning the gear to go rescue him.

“It’s too late, Jo. There’s nothing you can do.” His fireman’s hat falls to the ground as we struggle.

I’m giving it my all, doing whatever I need to so I can save him from certain death. “It’s not too late. I’ve gotta get him outta there!” I look around me in disbelief. I can’t believe that they’re all just standing around and watching, never lifting a finger to help. “No one’s doing anything! James is in there!”

“It’s okay, Jo. Wake up.”


“Wake up, Jo. It’s a dream. It’s just a dream...” Kris cooed in real life as I was rudely dropped into consciousness. He was holding onto me roughly as I thrashed around, just like in my dream.

“Oh, God. I didn’t even make it inside this time,” I cried, collapsing against him. His strong arms enveloped me as I wept like a baby, and he cradled and rocked me like an infant. I felt so incompetent and helpless.

His hand brushed over my hair. “Shh.... You’re all right. It’s okay.”

After my big move and these dreams started, when I had finally confessed to Kris that this was a reoccurring nightmare after he had been woken up by my screams several times, he bought me a book, The Complete Dream Book: Discover What Your Dreams Reveal about You and Your Life. I wasn’t sure I believed this mumbo jumbo, but once he had convinced me to crack it open and read, saying that maybe it would help, I couldn’t argue with the interpretation. But worse, I knew what not making it inside meant.

I was letting go of James.

I guess I should have been relieved, but I wasn’t. I had sorted through a lot of emotional shit over the past two months, ever since I had moved in with Kris; I had discarded a lot of my baggage, but there was a still a suitcase I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let go of. James was dead and I had come to grips with that. I knew that he wouldn’t want me to dwell in my sadness and not pursue my dreams just because he couldn’t be here to encourage me or share it with me. And I knew that someday, I would do something great and I would dedicate it to him. No, I wasn’t sure what that great thing would be yet, but it would be worthy of him somehow.

But I still didn’t know with what attitude I should reflect on the past. I didn’t want to be accepting of James’s death. It never should have happened, and I would argue with anyone who said that God needed him or that these things always happen for some higher reason. Those excuses were bullshit. But I also knew that arguing was pointless, because nothing would ever bring him back. And if I couldn’t bring him back, I didn’t want to let him go completely.

But that dream.... It was terrifying. Not only did it disturb my sleep and make me afraid to even go to bed at night, but it also fueled this irrational fear of fire in my waking life, too. It made me drive by my old home every time I left the house, no matter which direction I had to go. Every day, I patrolled Kris’s apartment to make sure everything was plugged in properly or that what appliances could be shut off were in fact off. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting and draining.

Kris, however, took it all in stride. He never wavered, no matter what. There was so much adrenaline coursing through my body from the nightmare that I couldn’t stand to be held, coddled, or constrained. Somehow, it’s like he knew that and let go. I slid off him and lay down beside him on the couch, but I did keep my legs thrown over his in an effort to remain close to him. We were quiet; there wasn’t much to be said at this point.

He reached into his pocket for his phone and began to text someone. “Who’re you talking to?” I asked, my voice raw with emotion.

“Talbot. I’m not going tonight.”

“No, Kris! It’s his birthday. He planned this whole extravagant boys’ night out on the town. You told him you’d go, and you can’t back out. Especially at the last minute.”

Shrugging, he answered, “He’ll understand, Jo. You need me here.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed. “You can’t just cancel on him like that, though. Not on account of me. I’ll be fine,” I assured him. “I’ll make coffee, turn on the Weather Channel, and do some homework.” I hoped that would convince him to go; it was my usual routine anymore. Coffee to keep me awake and lucid. The Weather Channel for the soothing music. And the mental distraction of schoolwork. Science and math and I had a general understanding with each other. There was always one right answer. There were an infinite amount of wrong ones, but that one correct answer was like the Holy Grail.

It didn’t matter how or why one answer was right and every other one was wrong; there was a clear division between right versus wrong, success versus failure, and truth versus bullshit. It was easy to trust physics and calculus in a confusing, fucked up world.

“Are you sure?” he asked quietly, examining my face for the answer.

“Yeah, Kris. Go.”

He fidgeted, turning to face me at a better angle. “You’re doing so good. I don’t wanna leave you here alone if you’re still upset....”

I pursed my lips, trying to blink back impending tears. When I spoke, I didn’t do so with a bitter tone. I was merely trying to be as open and as honest as possible. “I’m just so sick of this, ya know? I hate that you feel like you can’t leave me or that you have to be here. Your life doesn’t stop because of my bad dream.” As I wiped my cheeks with the backs of my hands, I silently cursed this Catch-22. If I weren’t so tired, I would be able to handle the emotional weight of that damn dream, but getting some rest meant sleeping and risking a confrontation with that same dream.

He placed his hand on my calf, speaking in his calm, soothing manner with a slight smirk on his face. He had learned to use humor to diffuse my foul moods, knowing full well that I could never resist a laugh. “And, you know, my life doesn’t stop if I don’t go out with Talbot tonight. He’s probably just gonna get me into trouble. I have no idea what he’s planned for his big celebration, so it probably includes a strip club.”

“Better make sure you leave your wallet at home with me tonight then,” I returned, trying my hardest to smile. “Because you are going. And you will have fun, no matter where he takes you or what he makes you do.”

“Yes, ma’am. I swear I’ve got the only girlfriend in the world who would encourage her boyfriend to go do... whatever it is Talbot’s going to make me do.” He grabbed both my legs and yanked. I slid fully on my back on the couch cushions and giggled, and he leaned over me with that sexy, lopsided grin of his. “You’re either really trusting or very naïve.”

“Well, I guess I’m not your ‘typical’ girlfriend. But I know that you’ll be on your best behavior, just like always. Besides, Max knows I’ll come after him if he goes too far.” Kris looked down at me for a moment, his smile thinning into a straight line. It annoyed me, because I knew exactly what he was thinking. “Don’t you dare fucking ask me one more time if it’s okay. I swear to God I’ll snap.”

“Maybe he’ll let you come, too. Really, he thinks of you like one of the guys.”

“Wow, just what a girl wants to hear,” I thought out loud, scrunching up my face. It was probably true. But I definitely did not want to go out with them if it meant I’d be the only girl there for a boys’ night out. It wasn’t that I didn’t get along with the guys, because I did—sometimes better than Kris did. But I wasn’t in the mood for that.

“It’s a compliment, I think, where he’s concerned. And I wouldn’t want him to think of you like that anyway. But I mean, then you wouldn’t have to be alone tonight.”

“I’ll be fine,” I growled through my teeth.

“I’m sorry. It’s just, I had dreams like that, all summer after Luc passed. They didn’t stop until the season started up again. I feel bad enough when I have to be gone for the away games, so I don’t want to skip out when I can be here.”

“But I don’t need you here,” I said. It was a half-truth. I did kind of need him, but I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t. “So I don’t want you to feel this obligation just to be here. I already demand too much from you.”

“I don’t mind it though,” he firmly stated, holding himself up by resting his hands on either side of me. “I like doing whatever I can for you. This is all a mental thing. I can’t touch it. I can’t physically fix something or do whatever needs to be done. It makes me feel useful, like I can do something to help you. I’m the man, I should be able to.... Ugh.”

I felt bad for him. He was trying so hard to be what I needed, and it was misery for him because there was nothing for him to do. It was all in my head, and he couldn’t reach into my brain and take out the bad things. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. So I did the only thing I knew that I could do to try and make it up to him. I slid my hands up his arms and under his shirt sleeves, squeezing his large biceps. Then I tangled my legs with his, loving that I could do this without that damn walking cast. “I can think of a good way to make you feel like a man.”

10 comments:

  1. Hmmm, a very wistful vibe here. I can completely empathize with Jo's perfectionist tendencies here (physics exam, wanting to be whole), but I do feel sorry for her pain and worries. I was hoping living with Kris would make her happier...maybe those large biceps can help.

    By the way, I'm loving the music lately: Metric, Arcade Fire.

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  2. Aww a very lovely update. I hope Jo doesn't start running because she feels so dependent on Kris. Also Jay, nice music. I was going to use Arcade Fire for my next update too but you got there first!
    And Max's night out... probably includes strip club.

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  3. Great update again, I feel bad for both Jo and Kris, they have to be able to find a middle ground where they can both be receiving and giving at the same time. I can definitely understand Jo being frustrated at feeling like a burden on Kris, I would feel similar in her situation.

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  4. If Dave messes up Kris and Jo's relationship I'm going to be pissed. haha

    I feel so bad for Jo and Kris. It seems like things can never go their way. :(

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  5. Shoutout for using the word "soporific" - I love that word, and it made my day!

    Fabulous, as always!

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  6. Bahha. I was about to comment on using the word soporific! Great minds, Val!

    Fantastic update, Jay.

    ps. Don't hate me but I kind of like Dave. He seemed all bumbly and cute and their exchange was very well written.

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  7. hahaha loved the fight with the door.

    great update. it's good that she is working through her grief. hopefully she'll get better. i really want kris and jo to be happy.

    dave? hmmmmm?

    another amazing update jay!!!

    -O

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  8. As I go…

    “Eighty-nine percent wasn’t bad, I suppose, but I had really thought that I’d nailed this sucker. After all, this was going to be my field—I should be able to get an A on a fucking Physics I test.”
    ^^ I love it! I love that Jo, the girl that wasn’t even going to deal with school ever again, is now upset that she only got 89%… LOVE IT!

    “I guess I shouldn’t have been so rude to him, but the fact that he came over to check on me, sprawled on my ass on the floor, served to highlight the drama of my fall. It was the cherry on my sundae of my sucky day. “Not like this is a life-or-death situation here.””
    ^^ LOL sorry… shit days are the worst but… that’s just a funny image and a hilarious description.

    “If it makes you feel any better,” he chuckled, setting the books in my arms, “it’s a pretty big door.”
    ^^ UMMMMM… is that flirting? I think that’s flirting. Listen… DAVE, I don’t give a shit if you’re in pre-med. Hell, I don’t care if you saved Jo’s life, look like Jonathan Toews, are a multi-millionaire and have a pet unicorn… BACK ON UP! Grrrrrrrrrr!

    “I only had to drive by and make sure it was still there, standing firm, before I could finish the journey to my new home, to Kris.”
    ^^ I’m sad that she still feels the need to drive by, but I love that her ‘new home’ is Kris =)

    “I didn’t know Luc; but I did know Kris. And if Kris believed that Luc would have wanted it, then I knew that that meant that Kris had to do it.”
    ^^ Or that he loves you, and wants you in his place, livin with him and getting it on allllllllllllllll the time à just a suggestion…

    “He and I wouldn’t have the common thread of death to knot us together.”
    ^^ Can I do anything else but put a sad face here? Seriously? I mean, they’re probably right… but I like to think that some things are meant to be… and that even if they didn’t suffer the heart ache, they would have found a way into each other’s lives eventually. But I love them both, and I’m glad that - by whatever fate - they have each other.

    “This whole tango with Kris was difficult and frustrating, because as we danced we trampled on each other’s feet. I had to trust him to lead me in the right direction, but I couldn’t depend on him for all the answers—because I had to figure some things out for myself. I couldn’t just adopt his philosophy; I needed to discover and forge my own. And, likewise, Kris had to trust that I would follow the path he laid out for me without grabbing my hand and pulling me behind him.”
    ^^ GOD THAT WAS AWESOME! That whole paragraph was like… ugh. It was like that line that you hear at the end of a song, the one that ties everything together and is dripping in pure, poetic, awesomeness… that’s it…

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  9. “Then Kristopher Letang would rush in his firefighter costume and whisk me away to safety—or more like pull me away kicking and screaming, because James’s fate was sealed and there was nothing either of us could do to change it.”
    ^^ Ok I can’t even laugh about Kris in his firefighter costume, because that makes me sick. Like… her whole dream makes me sick. I’m so upset and worried now that I can’t deal with it.
    I mean… ughhhh!!! Just imagine losing someone and then having a dream about them burning in a fire like that - unable to do anything but stand on the other side of a wooden wall and listen to them die.

    “And in the meantime, I would have done anything for him. I would have eviscerated myself to give him a kidney, if he needed one. I would have built and launched a rocket to the heavens to pull down a star, if he asked for just that. I mean anything. He was my light at the end of the tunnel, my carrot, and part of me selfishly wanted him to need me, too. Be a part of him as much as he was a part of me. I wanted to reciprocate so badly, and yet, I didn’t know how or if I even could.”
    ^^ Oh Jo. You always feel like all you do is take… but you give Kris so much too. You are worthy of him and you need to realize it!

    THE SONGS... in case I didn't mention it… are amazing… but no the whole ‘Children don’t grow up” line will never mean the same thing to me anymore…

    Still... James asking her about Kris... UGHHH it's still creeping me out... Everything about the dream. I’m so on edge now I can’t even explain it…
    It’s possible I might start having those nightmares..

    UGHH like him even saying Kris’s name is just… nooooooo! And then running into the house! I was almost yelling at my screen “Don’t do it James! Listen to Jo! You have to stop or you’ll die!”
    … I’m sorry, that just got to me.

    I guess that’s another way of saying that this update was amazing?? lol now… MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!! =)

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  10. : ( what horrible dreams..if these don't stop I have a feeling something big will happen in the future, they'll drive her crazy

    Yay for running into Dave again!! : )

    Kris is adorable. Such a good supporter and a great bf. I must say, my expectations seem to grow a little bit more everytime I read about this Kristopher : )

    Great update as always..and slowly I catch up!

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